btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
