Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
