Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
