; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
