i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
