I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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