I'm going to jail i love you
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
