She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
