why didn't you poke me back
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
