RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
