If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize