Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
