I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
