sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
