You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
