I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
