I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
