if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
