Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
i think my cat just said my name.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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