I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
