I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
That was an excessively violent trivia night
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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