So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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