My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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