i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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