A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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