I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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