woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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