Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
