i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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