I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
