So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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