Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
