Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
