Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
