I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
