i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
she peed on how many people?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
