fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
They are going to name an STD after you.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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