Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
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