Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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