Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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