ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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