I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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