I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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