I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
