he shaved USA in his pubs
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
