when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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