did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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