woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
