I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
