We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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