we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
