I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
