dude i'm inner monologue high
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
