I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
