i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
this hospital has no fireball
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
