im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
