He asked to "fluff my boner.."
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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