Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
